As I’ve shared before, I’m not exactly thrilled when I have to go into situations that require a complete letting go of control. My two recent experiences with general anaesthetic and surgery are prime examples – once you’re knocked out, you’re knocked out! Not having had a great deal of experience for most of my life of this (fortunately), the mental preparation required in the lead up and recovery both times was crucial for me: I had to manage my anxiety around it, and that required me using particular effective skills to do this. I know, hand on heart, were it not for such skills, I would have had panic attacks as the twenty-something me would have (the only skill she knew for situations out of her control).
And now, I’m just about to launch into something else: an international trip! Long-haul flights, with my two young children and taking them by myself. I haven’t done a long-haul to my home country (UK) – or anywhere – for exactly 8 years. It feels unfamiliar territory for me. And back then, there were two of us adults handling one child, albeit a young one, and now there’s two children and one responsible adult – me!
The thing that’s important about all of these examples (personally for me, surgery and international plane tickets) is that once you’ve agreed to it and it’s locked in, you can’t just turn around and say – er, no, I’m too scared, I’ve changed my mind….Well, I mean you realistically could, but you really know deep down that you really can’t, and therefore you simply have to do it. You’re in a position where, in reality, you’ve decided to take your choices away. In this case, when you have to, it’s a question of how are you going to do it, to get though it, and even enjoy it, despite the inevitable anxiety and fears that will arise?
I think some nerves around these big things are reasonable, given the life and death risks, and is simply my nervous system having a completely normal reaction to the situation at hand. I could beat myself up for it, tell myself I shouldn’t have any nerves because I’m a professional helping person, but I gave that up a long time ago (see previous article). The nerves are there to signal that it’s time to prepare and get your head in the game as best you can – and then to let go and trust. It’s all you can realistically do, is it not? Including trust is crucial.
During a session the other day, I was highlighting the difference between catastrophic thinking (or future-based negative thinking that causes anxiety in the present moment) and actual strategic mental planning that can help ease the nerves in the now, allow one to feel in a good state (confident) about an upcoming, unknown and out-of-our-control future event.
So, I felt right in there with my client that day, as we were going through her strategies to prepare for her event, I could speak to my own recent and current experiences of using these strategies for my own self.
So, let’s lean in and let go of control and activate the trust required and get on with it. There’s no real choice other than to do so!
- Identify obstacles: research tells us that when thinking about a goal or a future event, when someone asks you – Well, that sounds difficult, how are you going to manage that? And you say – Oh, It’ll be fine, easy, I’ll just say no to that slice of cake – is negatively correlated with successful goal achievement. Contrast with the strategy for success then – where you stop, and think about a possible obstacle, and say – Hmm.. that’s a good question, that’ll be hard at a birthday party and I’ll be hungry too! I’ll need to think through that… In other words, not knowing and/or ignoring possible obstacles or “things that could go wrong” and calling on the hubris required to say – oh it’ll be fine – is NOT the success set up we’re after. So, step 1 = brainstorm all the things that could be an obstacle for you having a successful experience with a successful outcome, and be realistic! Write them ALL down. And then go to –
- Strategise: now you’ve brainstormed all of those possibilities (and this can also include things that could go wrong with YOU – not just practical things that could happen to you (i.e. like your luggage getting lost) but your own emotional and physical state. If you’re prone to anxiety, then one of the things you might’ve brainstormed is having a panic attack, or a heart attack or a meltdown). Step 2, then, if you hadn’t guessed, is going to be planning for said possible obstacles – what needs to happen if xyz happens? What can I do if xyz happens? Some of this will end up as good solid practical plans, and some the answer will be that it’s out of your control, and so there’s nothing you can do (believe it or not, this can provide comfort).
- Mental Rehearsal: if your brain can conceive, it can believe. So, take yourself through the future. Not in a catastrophic manner (see above), but just visualise yourself, at the other end preferably. For me it’s about seeing my best friend and being at her house, I keep visualising that, and that’s my successful outcome. I’ve taken my brain through the long flights, passport control, tiredness and managing two kids’ tiredness. I can see us going through it all. So my brain is tricked into thinking we’ve kind of already done it, and taken the “big scary unknown” component out of it. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.
- Growth / Resilience Self Havening: for those who are familiar, using self-havening with specific language statements is an actual game changer. I did it for before and after both surgeries, and am just about to begin my regime for the trip! This is one of the most powerful ways to help yourself. It’s hard to teach this here, so get in touch if you want to know more about this. For those I’ve taught – time to pick up those notes and use it again!
And there is my four-part strategy for launching into the unknown, letting go of control, and activating trust.
Love, Charlotte.